We encourage all staff to re-read our company handbook if they need a refresher on our policies.

Photo by Donald Teel on Unsplash

Dear Staff,

Making guests feel welcome at our establishment is very important to us. We were glad to hear that you all have been greeting guests with a hearty “Welcome to the Hotel California,” but while it is acceptable to comment on how nice our amenities are, please refrain from commenting on our guests’ appearance, even if they do have a “lovely face.” It is off-putting and irrelevant to their stay here. If you would like to compliment the guest on something, compliment them on their great choice of hotel booking.

As much as we want to be a fun…

It…um…wasn’t a good fit.

Chunky V-Neck Sweater

Real reason: I liked this sweater, but I looked at the tag and realized it’s “dry clean only,” which is far more responsibility than I signed up for when I ordered it.

Reason I claimed: The fabric was itchy.

Multi-Use Desk Organizer

Real reason: This desk organizer did not make me a more organized person, in fact, it has given me even more nooks and crevices to be disorganized within, which is frankly an unwelcome reminder of the very reason I bought the thing in the first place.

Reason I claimed: Too bulky.

Vintage Loafers

Real reason…

Courtesy of A24

Kayla, the protagonist of Eighth Grade (2018), is an adventurer. Like cowboys exploring the west or astronauts going to space, she faces a great unknown that is difficult to prepare for and even harder to go through, adolescence.

There are few experiences more uncertain, or more volatile in their unpredictability, than being a teenager. Friendships are created and dissolved without warning or explanation. Bodies are stretched and bent as if reflected in ever-shifting funhouse mirrors. Emotions are blown-out and distorted so that getting a stain on your shirt is a worse fate than death and fighting with your parents is…

I want to thank you all for attending this Q&A for my upcoming novel, The Fly On The Wall. Before we get started, I just want to address something that seems to come up frequently.

People keep asking me about very minor, really isolated similarities between my book — which is totally fictional — and my own high school experience, which is ancient history. But any suggestion that I wrote this novel to somehow vicariously live through my characters and re-write my high school experience is completely false. …

Fun! Easy! Vengeance!

Stephanie, you bitch!

If you’re looking for a fun fall activity to do with your gal pals, look no further than a wine tasting party! They’re super classy, super easy, and most importantly, give you an excuse to get revenge on your friends for all the ways they’ve wronged you. So, here are some tips for throwing a totally awesome wine tasting party that will finally give you the opportunity to entomb Stephanie in the catacomb beneath your house!

Have a variety of different wines

No wine tasting party is complete without an array of reds, whites, and rosés, so make sure to…

This just seems like the best way to avoid confrontation.

“Two Noble Kinsmen-70” by Lindstedt Photography

HAMLET: Horatio!

HORATIO: Ay, my lord.

HAMLET: There is a play tonight before the King, one scene of it comes near the circumstance which I have told thee of dirty dishes being left in the sink. I prithee, when thou seest that act afoot, observe mine uncle. If his occulted guilt does not itself unkennel in one speech, then my imaginations are foul and perhaps they are someone else’s dishes. But give him heedful note! …

The Trojan Horse was a truly nightmarish gift…but it still requires a thank you note.

Dear Periosphis,

My son, I was so relieved to hear that you survived that horrendous attack from the Greeks! How terrifying it was to learn that their gift of a horse statue was nothing more than an apparatus of death. I wept in anguish for the vicious destruction brought down upon you and your fellow soldiers. That being said, you do still need to write a thank you note.

I know, I know, it was a horrible gift that directly caused the gruesome murder of dozens of your friends and officers, and you witnessed brutal carnage that will haunt you…

It’s not just guns and walls, there are lots of rules of storytelling!

If you hang a gun on the wall in act one, it must go off by act two.

· If a teenage girl is wearing glasses in act one, she must dramatically remove them in a makeover scene by act two.

· If a hardened cop talks about retirement in act one, there must be a new break on a cold case that has personal relevance to him by act two.

· If a group of people is established as an underdog team of ragtag misfits in act one, they must win a championship and/or build friendships that will last…

Michelle Cohn

New York-based writer and pop culture enthusiast. Read her short ramblings (@michcohn) and longer ramblings (michelle-cohn.com)

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